


Eyes of a Soldier

by Anarhichas



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Character Study, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-16
Updated: 2013-12-16
Packaged: 2018-01-04 21:13:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1085752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anarhichas/pseuds/Anarhichas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When sacrifice is just another way of giving up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Eyes of a Soldier

**Author's Note:**

> For a prompt: Eren finding out (perhaps from Connie) about how in episode 7 Armin said he was going to off himself when they were stuck on the roof and he gave Mikasa the last bit if his gas and weapons.
> 
> Any concrit is welcome, thanks very much for reading!

In his first battle, in Trost, Armin speaks without thinking of the words first. _I’d rather avoid being eaten alive if I can help it_. He acts without considering the true meaning.

Fear drives him, hopelessness directing his eyes. Self worth does not speak up to object.

After the battle is over neither Mikasa nor Connie say anything, and events occur that should have made them forget. Armin regrets a little that he hadn’t been left behind after all. If he’d died that day, even by his own hands, he would have died doing something good. The death would have been quick and painless – or at least, relatively so. They would have remembered him as brave and worthwhile. He would not have to endure this nightmare.

In his second battle, as they are slaughtered by the Female Titan, he has enough time and space to ponder the words before they emerge, a little shaky but confident that they could, and should, be followed. It is Reiner and Jean, this time, who are there to witness Krista foil them.

Why can he not escape when around him so many are falling? Is it because he tries to chose his own door out, and the world refuses to allow such charity?

In his third battle, as all their plans go wrong and the Female Titan – as Annie, practical, awkward, intelligent Annie – hovers above their tunnel, he regrets that it’s Eren and Mikasa who are his audience. He regrets also that he forces Mikasa into the danger with him, though if anyone could survive against the world, it is her. Turning his body into bait he waits for the crushing blow, the fingers like landslide boulders around him.

He dreams about it, sometimes, in the quiet moments when he is alone with his thoughts. How will he die? When? Will it be soon? Sometimes he hopes so. After all, he knows beyond all doubt that he will never see the end of the Titans. Maybe humanity can win, and he hopes so desperately, but at the same time understands that they will not in his own lifetime. He will never know a world other than that seen through the frightened eyes of a soldier. He will never touch the Ocean, or see the Aurora, great ribbons of light in the sky. These are facts and they break his heart.

In his fourth battle, beneath the trees as Jean lies slumped in his arms, he realises that there is no sacrifice he can give that will make a difference. Maybe his life can gift Jean some insignificant seconds. Maybe his blade then his life will be enough for half a minute more. It’s not enough, and he cannot even stand up to offer such a worthless trade. The world is unfair.

Unexpectedly he catches Eren’s eye. He is about to die – they both are. He cannot look away.

Eren finds him the next day. They sit together on the bed like children, pressing shoulder to shoulder.

“Mikasa told me, ages ago,” Eren says, like the clumsy beginning of a story. “Back in the battle for Trost. She ran out of gas, so you gave her yours.”

“Yes,” Armin replies, for lack of anything else.

“But – you wanted to keep a blade.” Eren is having difficulty saying it. “You were going to kill yourself.”

“Yes,” Armin says again. Eren pauses in speaking to take him and pull him in, sit him in his lap and wrap him up in arms and legs.

“But you don’t think that any more, right? Because we survived, back then, and yesterday too. If we fight we can still survive.” Eren is brave and kind, but he is not intelligent. “Please don’t go back to thinking like that.”

Armin doesn’t want to lie to Eren. So: “I can’t,” he says, plain enough that Eren doesn’t question the phrasing, only holds him tighter. And despite knowing that it would be better to be dishonest, the words are true – he cannot, after all, go back to thinking in a way he never left.


End file.
